We are so afraid of Time.
‘’Never enough hours in the day’’
‘’Time flies when you’re having fun’’
For a while now all I’ve done is watch the clock; the hands moving slower than normal and with every tick or tock I feel a heaviness in my heart. Each tick rings in my ears, each tock feels like punch to the chest, all because I find myself waiting for the next second, minute, hour to pass me by. Time feels my enemy moving at his own pace and leaving me behind. I watch the world ticking on by as I am stuck on the periphery, watching them all laugh and joke; going about their lives as normal without a care in the world.
I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun because the last year feels never-ending.
I have spent a year of what is supposed to be the best time of my life, going round and round in circles with the same routine of hospitals and doctors appointments. Only 20 years old and I’ve spent more time in hospital than I have anywhere else (I actually totalled up the hours…Yes I’ve had that much time on my hands). It’s felt like I have wasted a lot of time this past year. The time stuck in bed, and how I spent my Christmas so unwell I couldn’t see straight. Or celebrating New Year stuck by being on the sofa feeling like crap (pun intended). I didn’t get the joy of Christmas or the fun drunk feeling of New Year because I was too sick to even stand, let alone party.
This illness has robbed me of almost a year of my life so far.
I should be going off to America for four months with my degree, or doing a placement year of work to get experience for the real world. I should be going to festivals and partying with friends but instead, I’m sat at home. I’m sat at home in my pjs all day because I’m either too tired from lack of sleep, from fatigue or from joint pain that means I can barely walk 100 yards. I should be going out and having fun but instead, I’m planning my next hospital appointment or batch of IV therapy, and just waiting for the next ‘thing’ to happen. I guess I am lucky that this has happened at a period where I don’t have anyone to rely on me, and I’m young enough to fight as hard as I can with the rest of my life ahead of me, but sometimes it doesn’t feel so positive.
Time is something I have wrestled with.
Have I wasted a year or am I one of the lucky ones? Thanks to all the time I’ve spent in a little bubble of illness it has made me realise how precious the time we have actually is. For a while now I’ve been left unable to do the things I love, and have come to realise just how important it is to make time for the people you love and the things you love doing. I’ve been stuck for such a long time that to be able to go and do something fun, or spend time with the people I love is a blessing. I don’t regret the last year even though I don’t see it as time well spent, but it has made see how important the little things are. Those precious little moments of happiness amongst a very gloomy world makes it all worth while. I choose to remember the little bits of fun I’ve had over the last year; the lovely cups of tea and giggles with my friends. Or when people have made the effort to come and take my mind off the fact it feels never-ending.
Even though I have seen Time as a foe for so long, I understand that he is in fact a friend and can now see just how important he is.
Regardless of the time I have wasted, I am determined to treasure every second from now on.