Square One.

That’s right I’m back to square f*cking one! And you know what that means? That means steroids, moonface, sleepless nights, the fact that I feel like death and don’t want to leave my bed. It’s back to not being able to leave the house in fear that I’ll step five feet out the door and want to throw up, or the possibility of an ‘accident’ in front of the whole world. It’s back to trailing through Netflix in the hope of finding something that is actually decent instead of the usual crap I watch just to pass the hours in the day. It’s back to having to plan day-by-day and just expecting to feel shit all the time!

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So all fun and games…

For the last three weeks or so I’ve been back at square one with not just my Colitis, but the rest of my health too… Oh goody! A couple of weeks ago I picked up a virus which left me not actually wanting to eat anything, feeling like I could throw up every meal I managed to eat and having to muster the energy to even shower. Then my colon decided to have a competition with the rest of my body to see who could win in making me feel worse. Ultimately my Colitis prevailed in the battle of my body and now I’m back to the joy of feeling like I’m relapsing… Again.

It has been exactly one year today that I went in for my first colonoscopy and the journey of, ‘let us find out why Billie’s colon has waged war upon her’ began! And I’m still no closer at winning this war! Everything was hunky dory about a month ago; I was off the steroids after 7 months, and for the first time in almost a year I actually left my doctors office with a genuine smile on my face, feeling like I could finally relax and just go back to enjoying myself rather than trying to make it to the next appointment, and hoping they don’t lock you away in hospital for days without any wifi! But no… ‘Remission’ lasted about five minutes.

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And now I’m sat in bed moaning about how I’m back to feeling like utter crap!

The thing about square one is that it fluctuates from feeling like I’ve been hit by a bus to almost normal in a matter of hours. Two days ago I woke up feeling great (strange considering I’d been on the toilet pretty much all night) and this was the best feeling! To be able to trundle downstairs and ask my mum if we could actually do something out of the house was so exciting… As you can tell I don’t get out much. So I actually got into jeans (instead of my trackies), put make-up on for the first time in two weeks and got ready to pop to the shops! This is actually a big deal when you’ve not been able to leave the four white walls of your bedroom in 15 days (not that I’m counting). As soon as I got into TK-Maxx I felt like I was about to throw up there and then. In the space of no more than 2 hours I went from feeling totally normal to having my own personal little rain cloud thundering over my head. So thanks Colitis you ruined a what could’ve been a lovely shopping trip with my mum. But instead of spending money I don’t have on clothes I don’t need, we had to race home so I could get back into pyjamas and go to bed. Trapped in my own house by my own body.

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Right now it looks like I can’t Trust My Gut at the moment!

It’s starting to get really frustrating that nothing seems to be able to stop my immune system from being a bellend! I’ve been through Azathioprine and now Methotrexate in trying to get my immune system to chill out and neither seems to be able to do it! It’s been nothing but hoping and wishing that something works; praying for a miracle in getting this shit under control so I can write about something a little more positive! Even though you might not think it, I really hate being all doom and gloom!

But today a good friend said to me, it’s got to the point where we just have to laugh at how much of a mess this all is! You know the point where everything just goes so wrong that all you can do is laugh about it over a glass of wine (well water… because you know… steroids and all). She said ”I’ve got to the point now if people ask what I’m up to all I have to say is I’m in agony and can’t stop shitting!” Probably the most relatable thing I’ve actually heard throughout all this!

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So let’s see if laughter is the best medicine!