People ask me a lot ‘’Why do you blog?’’
Why did I decide to take to my laptop one day and write about myself? Why did I think that people would read it? Why did I decide to talk shit on the internet and let the world in on my life?
There isn’t a simple answer to any of those questions, but I can do my best to explain why I’ve let you all in on this little secret.
I’ve always enjoyed writing and I guess you could say it’s the only thing I’ve ever been good at. I fell in love with literature and history – Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby, and anything related to Kings and Queens, or Knights in shining armor saving the damsel in distress. So cliche! So girly! But I found something I could love and throw all amount of passion into.
So when it came to being diagnosed with Colitis, my first reaction was to write it all down, and I found that I was actually quite good at moaning to my laptop.
Because I was so lost when I was first diagnosed the only way to stop myself from going utterly insane was to make my laptop my best friend. I would spend hours just typing away and at this point I had absolutely no intention of anyone seeing any of the stuff I’d written. It was my little rant session where I could just get angry and emotional and everything in-between; a way to lock it up in the pages that I’d written. I didn’t need someone to comment or reply to what I was saying, I just needed to say it; organising my thoughts on paper rather than moaning and groaning to my friends and family (even though they say they don’t mind hearing it, I know it gets boring if that’s all you have).
In the very dark world that I had been thrown into I found some light.
I googled and trailed social media to find out what had happened to other people and I found something beautiful. I discovered a community of people so incredibly brave, placing their souls and emotions into the pages I was reading. To name a few of these fabulous people – Chloe (Dawson.xo), Lois (Gut Instinct) and Ant (IBDFitness) and community pages like InstaCrohns and Fight Like A Warrior.
The more I read, the more I began to ask myself ”could I do the same?”. It can be a very lonely position to be in when you’re thrown to the wolves and told to just ‘suck it up’, so to have so many incredibly strong stories to read made me feel like I could fight just as hard as them! I decided that I didn’t want anyone else to be in the same dark hole that I was the day I got diagnosed. So lonely, trapped in my own head and no one to talk to, I wanted to offer the world another 20 year old blogger.
So I sent a piece I’d written to my best friend; knowing that if it was rubbish she’d tell me! And to this day I still remember what she said almost word for word. She told me how it was the best thing she’d read (and we are history students, all we do is read). She told me how it was perfect & how it made her proud of me. I felt like crying. To know that she was proud of me was the best response I could’ve asked for. She gave me the confidence to show the world my story and put myself out there.
I decided to trust my gut, and the more I wrote, the more I realised that I had found a way to make my useless colon not so useless anymore.
I keep doing this blog, offering you all a little snippet of my life in order to help those around me. To show anyone who is diagnosed, has been through or is going through the same as me, that you are definitely not alone! I also didn’t want to hide my illness. There is a haze of English prudishness around the ‘taboo of poo’ and IBD but I am not ashamed of my Colitis. I put my heart on my sleeve in an attempt to expand the community to, not just those who have IBD, but to the rest of the world as well. If I had known more about IBD before I was diagnosed, then I definitely would’ve been able to deal with it a hell of a lot easier!
So awareness is where it all begins and this is my attempt to further that! To chat shit every week and plaster it all over my Instagram in order to raise awareness and help the charities/communities to eradicate this ‘taboo of poo’ we have adopted! Sharing really is caring! But if you can’t share your own story, then please share the stories you have read!
I’ve had such an incredible response from so many lovely people and it is thanks to all of you, my lovely readers, that I happily continue to put my life on show.
This is my attempt to turn something painful into something beautiful.